The State Against Sasuke Uchiha
by Gundam-Issac
Summary: What would have happened if the valley of the end happened differently, and Sasuke had been caught and put on trial? Find out that, and other things inside. Warning: cracky as hell.


This story came out of me watching Animaniacs episodes. Since no one commented on the new chapter of my normally updating story, I didn't think anyone would mind if I took a break.

The State Against Sasuke Uchiha

An Issac Production

-0-0-0-

"Order! Order! The honorable Judge, Hokage, and Sannin Tsunade presiding. Order in the Court! Sit down and shut up _right now!_" Ibiki shouted out at the top of his lungs. The assorted ninja in the room all sat down, and shut up. "This court is gathered here today to review the case of The State of Konoha Sasuke Uchiha! Judge?" He turned, Tsunade cleared her throat.

"First of all, might I remind the Jury that they are not allowed to bring any food into the court room." Tsunade said, her eyes sweeping through the Jury. Anko gave Tsunade a shocked look, before putting the rest of her dango into her bag which she threw out the window, hitting an innocent bystander. Choji, who was sitting several seats down, was trying to stuff the rest of his pork into his mouth. Finding it too big, he multi-sized his head to swallow it. "How that _that_ problem is over, let's continue. Does the defense have anything to say?"

Sasuke seemed to think something over, before whispering something to his lawyer, who stood up. "The defense only has to say that he thinks this case is erroneous and unnecessary." The lawyer sat down.

"Thank you Kabuto, next time can you not use such big words? You seem to have broken Kiba's brain." The court looked over to the jury, where said ninja's head was sending off a steady stream of smoke from each ear. "Anyway, prosecution, you can start." The prosecution nodded, and got up.

"Now I, Hayate Kakashi, am here to prove that Sasuke is in fact guilty of the charges laid against him by the state. These changes are numerous, and include the following, making fun of me, attacking a ninja of Konoha, defecting to the village of the sound, hanging out with Kabuto, etcetera, etcetera." Kakashi walked up to the witness stand. "I call Sasuke himself to the stand!" (Insert fan girl squeal.)

Sasuke had one last quickly whispered conversation with Kabuto before walking up to the stand. "Now Sasuke, I have laid out the various things that you are accused of, will you tell the ladies, gentlemen, and swine," Kakashi nods to the women, men, and Tonton accordingly, "you side of the story?"

Sasuke looked at Kabuto, who nodded. "Well, it all started the fateful day in Konoha. I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when suddenly, these four guys walk up…"

-0-0-0-

"Hey! Gothica!" Sasuke turned around. Now in front of him were four people, all of which were wearing matching clown outfits. "Are you feeling sad?"

Sasuke thought for a second. "Yes, I am indeed sad. I've been sad ever since my parents were killed."

Jirobo walked over and put his arm on Sasuke's solder. "Well we run a counseling center over in the Village of the Sound, would you like to come?"

"I don't know, they might think I am defecting or something…" Sasuke started, before Kidomaru butted in. "Defect? Who said anything about defecting? Certainty not us!" He waved the comment off, with all of his arms, which was a rather funny sight.

"Well I guess if you say so. Yah, I'll come! I'll meet you guys later tonight" The sound four started to laugh manically as he walks off.

"Fool! Soon, he shall be in our master's clutches! MWHAHAHAHA!" Tayuya shrieked in a witch-ly cackle.

"What was that? Did you say something to me?" Sasuke starts walking back and, which is met by shacking heads from all four of the sound four."No! Of course not! None of us mentioned masters, or clutches, or killing clowns to steal their clothes." Kidomaru said, once again waving his arms.

"Oh, ok. If you say so." He walks off again, which is once again met by the sound four laughing. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a beer bottle flew into Ukon's head, sending it into Sakon's head. Gai walks toward them.

"Shut up you evil clowns! First you drain the youth power from my student, and then you laugh so, making him cry and curl into a ball! I bid you stop!"

-0-0-0-

The assembled court was now looking, once again, towards the jury, where Lee was curled up into the fetal position, weeping and babbling. "Mom-may, no go way! sneeze Bad clowns! No takey me mom-may!"

Kiba shuddered and pulled his hood over his head. "Good god, I don't, want, to know." "Can we get back to order here?" Ibiki asked, silently taking out a kunai in case the answer was no.

Anko's hand whips out, and Lee stops making noise. "No problem Ibiki! Go ahead!" Glancing around at the glares and shocked looks she was getting, she continued. "I only knocked him out." Ibiki nodded at her, and then turned to Sasuke, who he nodded to.

"Well the next time I saw them...

0-0-0-

Sasuke jumped from roof, to roof, and then out of the village and into the forest. As he exited, he saw the sound four standing, waiting for him. "Hey gothica! You came!"

"Yah, I decided that my personal health improving would be a very big help to the team." Sasuke nodded, and when he started to head toward the sound village, Sakon stuck her hand out.

"Hold on there bucko, you need to eat this piece of candy first." She took out the bottle of pills. "This will help you, um, relax…ye-ah…"

"Um, I just met you, and you're a stranger, and taking candy from strangers is wrong." Kidomaru grabbed Sasuke's mouth, and mimed the word "yes" with it.

"Oh you changed your mind? Here you go!" Sakon shoved the pill down Sasuke's throat, "Now swallow!"

Sasuke gagged for a second, before swallowing. "That wasn't very nice I am starting to think you are evil!" The sound four each smiled, before ripping off their clown costumes to reveal their normal outfits. "Gasp!"

"Yes! We are in fact evil ninjas, not social workers! And we shall bring you to our sugar daddy, I mean boss… ye-ah…" Sakon started out loudly, but after getting to the sugar daddy comment, her voice quickly fell.

"I shall fight you do the ends or the, ohhhh, shiny butterflies. Don't go, duuhhhhh…" With that, Sasuke went out like a light. Jirobo smiled and put Suaske's knocked out body into the bucket. Tears of joy started to fall down his face.

"Time to bring Orochimaru's newest bitch home! _Finally_, now I won't be the newbie!" Kidomaru smacks him over the head.

"Shut up bitch! You are still our bitch until this little shit gets to Orochimaru. Now pick him up and get moving!" Jirobo grumbles, and hefts the bucket unto his back.

-0-0-0-

In the Jury box

Kiba's head starts to smoke again, Choji leans, "What's wrong dude?" Kiba quickly shook his head, dispersing the smoke.

"If he was knocked out for that last part, how did he hear them talking?" Choji rubbed his chin for a minute, before his head also started smoking.

Back up front

"So Sasuke, you have _claimed_, to have been abducted by evil sound nins masquerading as social servant clowns, do you honestly expect any member of this jury to believe that?

Sasuke looked at the jury. Ino and Sakura were holding up signs with their phone numbers on them, Anko was playfully tossing a kunai into the air, and Choji was munching on his scarf, while looking hungrily at Tonton, who was sitting on the knocked out Lee. Shikamaru was trying to look at the clouds through the window, Neji was sleeping, and Asuma was smoking a large Cuban cigar. Jiraya was editing his newest story, blushing the whole time. And the last member, Sai, was doing, um… Sai things. He looked back at Kakashi. "Yes, in fact, I think most of them will believe that."

Kakashi shrugged, and went back to his seat. "Your' witness Kabuto." Kabuto stood up, pushed his glasses back up to their proper place, and walked up to Sasuke.

"Now Sasuke, please tell me how they tricked you into going out of the village again."

"Well, they said they would help me with my social problems, and they gave me fake candy."

"Now please tell me about these social problems, what was their root?" Sasuke looked at him blankly.

"Um, my whole family got killed…isn't that enough?" Kabuto shock his head, and gestured him to go on. "Well, like, when I was five, I came home, and my brother had killed everyone, and then didn't kill me, which was a bummer. That good?" Kabuto nodded, and now faced the court.

"His whole family killed, how tragic. And when he has one chance, ONE CHANCE to let go of those horrid memories, and be a better, social problem-less member of society, he is tricked, and convicted of treason. Is that justice? Well, is it?" The jury and others in the room all looked at each other.

"Yeah."

"Yes"

"Hai."

"Sure."

"Whatever, this is troublesome."

"I'd think."

"Oink!"

"Yummmm, pork… I mean yes."

"Affirmative."

"EVIL CLOWNS!"

The court once again looked at Lee, who had woken up. "Sorry about that, what did I miss?"

Under her breath, Anko muttered, "If you spaz again, you're going to miss out on living…"

Ignoring the awakened boy, Kabuto continued. "Now to prove that Sasuke's social issues are real, and not just something we are exaggerating for the sake of winning a court case, I have called in an expert on all social issues from stalking to daddy-problems. I give you, Hinata Hyuga!" Hinata walks into the court and into the witness stand as Sasuke gets off. "Now Hinata, what do you think of Sasuke's social problems?" Hinata cleared her throat.

"I think they're a load of bullshit." The court gasped, partially from Hinata using such strong language, and partially for the impending slam of Sasuke's case. Kabuto leaned close to her, whispering in her ear.

"I thought we had a deal!"

"You haven't given me my part, why should I give you yours?" Kabuto cursed, and took a folder out of his briefcase, which he gave to her. Neji, using his eyes, found that the words "Naruto showering" were printed on the inside. Once checking the folder, Hinata continued.

"And of course by a load of crap, I mean full of nutrition and things that help plants grow. He is bonkers, given the right trigger, he can go completely insane. Sasuke seeking treatment was the best thing he could do. Now can the one eyed idiot over there hurry up, I have some, documents, to look, over… ye-ah, documents…"

Kakashi walked over. "Now miss Hinata, do you know that you are under oath?" Hinata shook her head. "Well you are. Do you know the penalties for plagiarism, and or for taking bribes?" Hinata nodded, sweat starting to form on her forehead. "And did you know that I have one _crazy_ case of pink eye?" Hinata looked at him blankly, and shook her head. "No further questioning your honor." Hinata sighed and ran off, giggling as she left the building.

jury box

"…Lee, I think I found something that scares me more than you do."

"Really Neji! That is so youth power-rific!"

"…Actually, change that. I still get scared by you much more than that."

"Awwww…"

Back to court

Kakashi stood up again and walked to the center of the court. "I would like to call Uzimaki Naruto to the stand!" The jury started murmuring amongst themselves as Naruto walked up to the stand. "Now Naruto, what is you relationship with the defendant.

"Well, me and Kabuto go way back, this one time he…"

"Sasuke you ramen addicted idiot, SASUKE!"

"Oh, well… ok. We've been on the same team since we graduated, and since then he hasn't really acknowledged that I can do anything. He has a superiority complex, doesn't like ramen, and does like Lincoln Park. All in all a really weirdo."

"I see. Can you tell the court about what you saw at the valley of the end, and the events leading up to it?"

"Well, we were chasing this idiot and his friends…"

-0-0-0-

Naruto and Kimimaro faced off, and with a gush of steam and smoke, Sasuke got out of his bucket.

"MWHAHAHA! Now that I, Sasuke, the evil one, have been fried, I shall go over that away and take over the world!" Naruto looked at him blankly. "Oh, and capture Pikachu." Naruto gasped.

"You horrible person! How could have I ever trusted you! You have just been waiting for a chance to run away from us, your loving family! You just want us torn apart!" Sasuke spit at the ground in front of Naruto.

"Family? I have no family! I paid my brother to kill them all! MWHAHAHAHA! My laugh is an evil laugh! Toodles!" With that, he jumped away.

"Excuse me good sir, but I must follow my friend, will you let me pass?" Kimimaro shook his head. "Oh well, I don't usually like fighting, but if you insist!"

As Naruto ran forward, Kimimaro opened up his arm and took out the bone. Naruto stopped dead in his tracks. "Holy shit, someone more emo than Sasuke! Even he doesn't cut himself!" Naruto was too surprised to defend himself, and Kimimaro went in for the kill. But just before he could hit, a gigantic pair of eye brows with arms and legs ran in and kicked Kimimaro away.

"Naruto! I, Rock Lee, shall save you in the name of my bushy brows! Go on, fight the emo menace! Save this freak to me!"

-0-0-0-

"So after confessing his evil ways, Sasuke ran away?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeppo! He did worse at the valley of the end though."

"Please tell us…"

-0-0-0-

"Stop right there Darth Emo!" Sasuke stopped running and faced Naruto.

"Ah, I see you have finally caught up. Did Kakashi ever tell you about what happened to the last Klondike bar?"

"You mean the one Zabuza stole from beyond the grave from my kitchen?" Naruto answered, not quite following.

"It wasn't Zabuza! He's been long dead, it was _me!_ Mwhahahaha! Fear my evil laugh!" As Sasuke laughed himself silly, Naruto started glowing. "Wait, what are you doing?"

"You tainted the best food next to ramen ever, now I must kill you! AAAAHHHHH!" Naruto started screaming, energy swirling around him.

Sasuke looked at him blankly. "This isn't Dragon Ball Z you nit-wit." The energy disappeared, Naruto's hair on the other hand, kept stuck up.

"Spoil sport. At least this rather large kunai I happened to find over there is real." Naruto pulled the buster sword from FFVII out of nowhere. "Ready to die, Seth-i-goth?"

"Fool! You always thought I was Goth! Or that I was Emo! But you are wrong! I am emo-ness, and Goth-dom, _incarnate_! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA, cough, wheeze, shit that laughing takes it out of you quick." Sasuke transforms into his fully curse sealed form. Naruto throws the sword off the cliff, and goes into his one-tailed form.

"_For the swarm_!"

"_For the evil of my evil laugh_!"

The two teens jump at each other, creating an explosion.

-0-0-0-

"Thank you Naruto, that will be enough. Any questions Kabuto?" Kabuto rises and strides toward Naruto. But before he could ask a question, Naruto spoke.

"If any words besides _no question_ come out of your mouth I will start telling people about what you did to that little kid two years ago." Kabuto stops mid air, turns around, and walks back to his bench.

"No questions, your honor." Naruto nods, and goes back to his seat. Kakashi smiles under his mask.

"Anyone else you'd like to bring out to defend your client, Kabuto?" Kabuto smirks evilly.

"Yes, I do. I call Zetsu to the stand!" There was a collective gasp from everyone in the room, save for Tonton, who went "oink." The doors to the court crashed open, and in walked Zetsu. His cloak flowing, his gigantic Venus fly trap thing, um… Venus fly trapping, he strode up to, and into, the witness stand. "Now Zetsu, please tell us your story."

Zetsu looked down at him, "Sure. It all started with my mother."

-0-0-0-

A girl walks up to a tree. "Whoa, you are such a sexy tree, I just love you. I wish I could bear your child." Suddenly, the tree spoke.

"Little human female, you shall bear my child. If it be a boy, you shall name him Link, and he shall be a hero. But if you don't name him Link, and name him something like, say, Zetsu, then he will grow up to be a weird plant headed monster." But the girl, too shocked to care, didn't hear him.

A branch bent down and poked her in the stomach. "There you go, pregnant."

-0-0-0-

"Zetsu, I meant your story about the day of the of the valley of the end incident."

"Oh, you could have said something." Zetsu's Venus fly trap closed as a small fly flew in between it. It opened again with him swallowing something. Anyway, it all started when…"

Kakashi stood up. "Screw this flashback shit, just tell us!"

"Ok, well… I heard some noise, so I went over to look. Those two guys were arguing and fighting a lot. I think they mentioned something about family, or burdens, or brothers, or some shit like that." Kabuto rubbed his temples.

"Anything else that could actually help us?"

Zetsu leaned back, deep in thought. "Well, does telling you that Tobi is actually a very powerful member of the Uchiha clan help?" Both Kabuto and Kakashi shook their heads. "I got nothing."

"Then can you please leave now?" Zetsu shrugs, and leaves. "Now I am pleased to tell all of you that I only am going to call one more person to the stand!" Kabuto yelled out.

"YAY!" The jury screams, save for Choji who is still munching on his scarf, and Tonton who went "oink."

"I would like to call Temari to the stand as an expert on the homicidally insane!" Temari walks in and takes her seat. "Now Temari, you are an expert on the homicidally insane, what is your experience with them?"

Temari cleared her throat. "Well, my brother, Gaara, was homicidally insane until several months ago. We would threaten to kill me and my other brother often and also cared nothing for his fellow comrades of the sand."

"So you are saying that he engaged in offensive actions against his fellow sand shinobi, and still was himself considered a sand shinobi?"

"Yes, he was."

"Now you said that until several months ago he was a homicidally insane maniac, tell me, did he change?"

"Yes, he is better now."

"See jury!" Kabuto whirled around, facing the jury. "This man Gaara was a complete asshole, willing to kill people rather than look at them! But he changed! And he was always allowed to be a shinobi of the sand. I think that if Gaara was able to change into a pacifist, hugging bunnies and chasing butterflies, then it could happen to Sasuke."

"I never said he stopped killing things, or the thing about the bunnies…" Temari started, before Kabuto cut her off.

"No need to continue Temari, your witness Kakashi." Kabuto goes back and sits down. Kakashi walks up.

"Now Temari, is it not true that your brother, Gaara, is not true that your brother's mental state is a result of a demon inside of him, not of his own doing?"

"Yes, he has the one-tailed raccoon sealed inside him."

"But Sasuke has no demon inside of him, and therefore your observations on Gaara would not really apply, correct?"

"I guess so…"

"No more questions, you may get out of here." Temari nodded to Kakashi, and left.

"Would the prosecution like to say anything before the jury goes off to deside the fate of his young boy?" Ibiki asked in his loud, booming voice. Kakashi nodded. "Then do so."

"Now you all know me, I've seen you all, and you've all seen me. You know that unless if it involves being on time, I can be trusted. This boy is a menace, and he needs to be put into jail. Also, in an unrelated note, his mom was a whore. A bad whore in fact, not even worth five cents. Thank you.

Jury box

"Ah, the yo'momma tactic, a very good card to play at a time like this Kakashi…" Anko said. Asuma looked over at her.

"You seem to know a lot about court Anko, care to explain why?" Anko shrugged.

"Well when Orochimaru was training me, he made me a killing machine. In fact, I have been trained so that if certain circumstances are met, I just start killing everything in sight. Unfortunately, this often makes the law pissed off at me, so I am in court a lot. But," Anko smiled, "They can never seem to keep a prosecutor for more then a day."

Asuma, suddenly filled with fear, switched seats with Sakura, hoping that if Anko did kill someone it would be someone who didn't matter.

back to the front

"Kabuto, do you or your client have anything to say?" Kabuto nodded. "Then do so." Kabuto stood up, and took a small pile of papers out of his briefcase.

"Now many nasty things have been said during this trial, so I would just like to remind everyone of what is important. That man over there," Kabuto points at Kakashi, "Butt rapes small children with his finger. He also eats puppies. My client on the other hand, is willing to offer a date to any member of the jury that makes it so that the charges aren't passed. Also, on an unrelated note, I am passing out several checks to the audience for $500. If Sasuke happens to win, please follow the instructions on the back of them to have the necessary spaces filled out. I am done."

The jury each took a check and started mumbling to each other. Ibiki looked up to Tsunade, only to find her asleep. He shook her awake. "Lady Tsunade, you have to send the jury off."

"Eh? Sure whatever, court, get the hell out of here until you reach a verdict, until then, I'm going back to sleep." With that, the jury went out, and the court fell silent.

-0-0-0-

Ibiki shook Tsunade awake again. "Lady Tsunade, the Jury has come to a decision." She got up and stretched.

"Fun, ok Jury, have you come to a verdict?" She asked, and Ino stood up.

"Yes, we have. We, the jury of the case of The state of Konoha against Sasuke Uchiha, find him sexy behind all reason. We also find him innocent or hanging out with Kabuto. But aside from that, he is guilty of all changes."

Tsunade smiled, and raised her gavel. "Ok, if that is your decision, I, Judge, Hokage, and Sannin Tsunade hereby proclaim this court… wait a minute, where is Tonton? Or Jiraya?" The jury all avoided her case, several coughing. Her case eventually fell on Choji, who was no longer munching his scarf.

Tsunade threw her large judge chair at the jury, who all fled. "YOU ASSHOLES! You ate my pet and killed Jiraya when he defended her!" She chased the fleeing ninjas out of the courtroom, leaving only Kabuto, Sasuke, and Kakashi.

The Sasuke and Kabuto looked at Kakashi. Kakashi looked at Sasuke and Kabuto. Suddenly, Kabuto pointed behind Kakashi. "Look! Jiraya finished editing his latest novel and he is giving away a signed copy!"

Kakashi spun around, only to find… nothing. "Hey, Jiraya isn't over there!" He turned around, only to find the space were Sasuke and Kabuto had been sitting empty. "Damnit, we'll have to change his part when we get the manga deal so we look less stupid."

-0-0-0-

Some time later

"Ah Tonton, you are such a great pig! No one can ever know of our illicit love affair!" Jiraya and Tonton walked into the court room. "Where is everyone?"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Done:

While I don't play and Zelda games, apparently Link's parents are indeed trees… weird…

Writing this was actually the most fun I've ever had writing a story. The ideas just flew into my head, with the only problems being spelling and the fact that I realized I needed 12 jury members about 1 page from the end.

Otherwise all fun shit.


End file.
